Sunday, October 30, 2005

My heavy heart is made of stone

Nothing I do matters or changes things one tiny bit. It doesn't matter if I stand on my head or I'm nice or I'm mean or I'm purple or orange. I know everyone means well and that they just have no clue, but I don't how many more people I can take telling me the way things are and that my sister will be fine, it's no big deal.

I have developed a defense mechanism through this that has caused my heart to turn to stone. I have always had a tender heart, even in the mist of heart break and sorrow. This time though I pulled back into my cave and hid away from all the world--or at least tried. Feeling so broken inside that I forgot how to feel, how to react, how to be. Like a piece of me died and left a carved out, hallow spot. But thank you Lord that you've come and found me here. Though I wallow in my despair, you've come to set me free through it. At least the dark hour of the soul is only that.

While I grieve and hope and pray for my sister, I know whatever the outcome that He is still good and worthy of praise. My heart will choose to say blessed be the name of the Lord. He is my refuge and my strength.

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