Sunday, October 30, 2005

My heavy heart is made of stone

Nothing I do matters or changes things one tiny bit. It doesn't matter if I stand on my head or I'm nice or I'm mean or I'm purple or orange. I know everyone means well and that they just have no clue, but I don't how many more people I can take telling me the way things are and that my sister will be fine, it's no big deal.

I have developed a defense mechanism through this that has caused my heart to turn to stone. I have always had a tender heart, even in the mist of heart break and sorrow. This time though I pulled back into my cave and hid away from all the world--or at least tried. Feeling so broken inside that I forgot how to feel, how to react, how to be. Like a piece of me died and left a carved out, hallow spot. But thank you Lord that you've come and found me here. Though I wallow in my despair, you've come to set me free through it. At least the dark hour of the soul is only that.

While I grieve and hope and pray for my sister, I know whatever the outcome that He is still good and worthy of praise. My heart will choose to say blessed be the name of the Lord. He is my refuge and my strength.

Friday, October 28, 2005

What do you really want?

There are a few things that are born into us (besides the human flesh) as humans created in the image of God that can't be denied. First of all that we want to find or be found by God. We will love and serve some god even if it is not the one true God. Another being finding the love of our lives. Slaying dragons and that sort of thing. Up there with those great needs, I think is the need to be connected deeply to other people. To belong to a group of people--community. I think it is something especially strong and necessary in terms of our faith. Our God was living in community, perfect community that is, before anything else was made. I think though, that we have only a vague idea of what community looks like and a pit of our stomach ache for it. But what I know of our human nature, I don't think that community is really what we want. We want community for ourselves. Even when we think of how our faith will only go into the really deep things of God togeher. Or the ideas that excite us about what community looks like. The caring for one another, living life and working out our faith together in the middle of life, building friendships that last into eternity. All of those things make us jump and everything in us cry out and they should because I believe God put that there. I am just here to say that we are often unprepared for what it takes to get there. It cannot occur in our flesh.

The roots of community start taking hold when we respond and love each other differently than what is natural to us as humans. It happens when you don't wait for someone else to reach out to you before you respond to them. When someone deeply offends or even betrays you and you are able to through faith choose see what the Lord is doing in their life, in your life etc. Through the situation and not only NOT reject them, but truly and honestly forgive and love them. Or have patience and grace for where other people are at in the group both with their faith and with where they are at with their commitment to community. I am not by any means saying that we don't confront sin and just let things slide because "we're giving grace." I am saying don't let those things be reasons to walk away from each other. It is our nature to run when we are scared, hurt, angry, or we don't think that other people are as interested or committed as we are. We shop for a church or friends that meet our needs and it is only God when we look at people and HIS people differently. We have to be willing to get outside ourselves.

All I am trying to say is that when it's not what you thought it would be or what you signed up for, don't run away. It will always be different that what we thought. It gets messy and ugly sometimes and it takes a lot of hard work and it is usually uncomfortable at first. It doesn't happen over night. Community is a spiritual thing, a God thing and we have to learn how to do that. Have we read our Bibles? It is the most wonderful thing though and I think we should have community. I long for it. Keep your eyes on the Lord and what He has promised us that HE has for us and don't walk away from each other when it's hard.