Monday, December 19, 2005

Application finished!

I just finished my last application in the process of applying to San Diego State. I am hoping to transfer there this fall. Please pray for me that I get in. This is where I really want to go. I have a "fall back school," but I really hope I get in at SDSU! My major is very competitive, so I can use all the help I can get. Thanks!

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Little joys

Last week I had one of those moments that you know will stay with you, and more importantly with the people you were with, for a very long time. On Saturday I had the joy and God given privilege to take my oldest nephew to see his favorite band--Switchfoot. My friend is handicapped and she asked me at the last minute if I would mind taking her to see the show. She had a friend that had a pair of tickets that wasn't able to go (the show was completely sold out). I told her that I could never go with out Reuben because he would fall over dead if I did. We tried franticly to find another ticket for him, but nothing turned up. Then at the last minute, we find one lonely ticket and he was able to go with us. It was perfect! He was so excited and had so much fun. They even played his favorite song. Then, we ran into our pastor (Jon and Tim's dad) and he was so excited to see Reuben there and he gave us his backstage pass! It was so fun to see Reuben light up as he got to talk to all the guys and get them to sign his t-shirt. This boy has had to bear so much in his short life and it made my heart break with joy to see him get to experience something special just for him. To me it had God all over it. It was way to orchestrated to be chance. The coolest part is that I think Reuben knew that too. It wasn't even that they're famous. It was just moment in time. A gift from a loving God to a boy that He hasn't forgotten. We all need to feel special every once in a while--he earned it.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

My heavy heart is made of stone

Nothing I do matters or changes things one tiny bit. It doesn't matter if I stand on my head or I'm nice or I'm mean or I'm purple or orange. I know everyone means well and that they just have no clue, but I don't how many more people I can take telling me the way things are and that my sister will be fine, it's no big deal.

I have developed a defense mechanism through this that has caused my heart to turn to stone. I have always had a tender heart, even in the mist of heart break and sorrow. This time though I pulled back into my cave and hid away from all the world--or at least tried. Feeling so broken inside that I forgot how to feel, how to react, how to be. Like a piece of me died and left a carved out, hallow spot. But thank you Lord that you've come and found me here. Though I wallow in my despair, you've come to set me free through it. At least the dark hour of the soul is only that.

While I grieve and hope and pray for my sister, I know whatever the outcome that He is still good and worthy of praise. My heart will choose to say blessed be the name of the Lord. He is my refuge and my strength.

Friday, October 28, 2005

What do you really want?

There are a few things that are born into us (besides the human flesh) as humans created in the image of God that can't be denied. First of all that we want to find or be found by God. We will love and serve some god even if it is not the one true God. Another being finding the love of our lives. Slaying dragons and that sort of thing. Up there with those great needs, I think is the need to be connected deeply to other people. To belong to a group of people--community. I think it is something especially strong and necessary in terms of our faith. Our God was living in community, perfect community that is, before anything else was made. I think though, that we have only a vague idea of what community looks like and a pit of our stomach ache for it. But what I know of our human nature, I don't think that community is really what we want. We want community for ourselves. Even when we think of how our faith will only go into the really deep things of God togeher. Or the ideas that excite us about what community looks like. The caring for one another, living life and working out our faith together in the middle of life, building friendships that last into eternity. All of those things make us jump and everything in us cry out and they should because I believe God put that there. I am just here to say that we are often unprepared for what it takes to get there. It cannot occur in our flesh.

The roots of community start taking hold when we respond and love each other differently than what is natural to us as humans. It happens when you don't wait for someone else to reach out to you before you respond to them. When someone deeply offends or even betrays you and you are able to through faith choose see what the Lord is doing in their life, in your life etc. Through the situation and not only NOT reject them, but truly and honestly forgive and love them. Or have patience and grace for where other people are at in the group both with their faith and with where they are at with their commitment to community. I am not by any means saying that we don't confront sin and just let things slide because "we're giving grace." I am saying don't let those things be reasons to walk away from each other. It is our nature to run when we are scared, hurt, angry, or we don't think that other people are as interested or committed as we are. We shop for a church or friends that meet our needs and it is only God when we look at people and HIS people differently. We have to be willing to get outside ourselves.

All I am trying to say is that when it's not what you thought it would be or what you signed up for, don't run away. It will always be different that what we thought. It gets messy and ugly sometimes and it takes a lot of hard work and it is usually uncomfortable at first. It doesn't happen over night. Community is a spiritual thing, a God thing and we have to learn how to do that. Have we read our Bibles? It is the most wonderful thing though and I think we should have community. I long for it. Keep your eyes on the Lord and what He has promised us that HE has for us and don't walk away from each other when it's hard.

Friday, September 09, 2005

Coming Home

I went to college group tonight for the first time in quite a while. I have really missed being apart of that group. It was really nice to be back even though it was very different. We just got new pastors--a husband and wife team which is great because we needed another girl leader. Once apon a time when we were a lot smaller and starting out I was in charge of that department. I am really glad that I will be able to support her in that role now. We had a brain storming session tonight insted of study and it was wonderful. It looks like after three years of moving in the direction of community we are finally getting there. I am so excited I couldm't wait until tomorrow to share. I have tasted it before and can't wait! I wish I wasn't so tired because I really have a lot to say about this. But, I have to get up with my nephews in like five hours to get them ready for school and then go to school myself. So good night and thank you Lord for hearing our prayers.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

As my dad would say "When the wheels come off the wagon."

One of the things that I have learned through the experience of helping my sister is that God works though the circumstances of life if we let Him. It's human nature to run. It's His nature to make us more spiritually mature and to bring us closer to Him.

I know there were many, many times that I wanted to run away because it was too hard or too scary. First I thought my sister was dying--and she was. The actually caring for her was much easier than I had anticipated. It was the emotional part inside of me that was overwhelming at times. God healed her and now it has been the battle for recovery and the battle against the drugs she has been dependant upon for so long. It is so much more complex than that little explanation, but the details aren't as important. I know that the Lord has not only been here with me through all of it, He has used every second of it to shape me, to discipline me, to train me. This has been the hardest thing I have ever done for so many reasons, yet it has also been the very best. I have had to rely on my Lord in ways I have never experienced before this. He has also used this ONE circumstance to push me in every area of my life that has needed change and growth.

All of this rambling to say that do not run away so quickly from circumstances in life that are scary and so hard or painful you feel like if you stay a moment longer you might shatter into a thousand little pieces. That is true, you might. But remember that His strength is perfect when we have nothing left--that doesn't apply exclusively to sin as it is often interpreted. He does give us the grace we need for today and His love does reach us.

When we are in an impossible situation and there's no hope for the circumstances to change, what is our heart like? That is what I am trying to get at. Our attitude determines so much. Do we trust Him enough to follow Him when we can't see our hand in front of our faces? Do we believe that He loves us--that God is love and that being His nature; He cannot do or say anything that contradicts His nature? What we believe determines our attitudes, which determine the choices we make.

To be clear, I am not saying that God creates horrible situations to punish us, no. Rather, He uses the realities of life, working through them, to discipline us because He loves us. He also uses them to show us what He is like. At least that has been my experience with Him. In the example of my sister, He has been continually showing me what my heart is like. Then, with great faithfulness and love showing me what His heart is like. He has also equipped me with tools for the future and experience that will be invaluable to me in medicine. It's often the hardest things that reap fruit in abundance. So, trust Him, lean on Him, cry to Him. I have had to learn how to find peace IN Him with "all of the above being true" (I want to run, the realities of my own heart, etc) turning to Him anyway.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005


I don't really hate it all that much. At this moment in time, I want to burn my text book though. I just had my first test. I think I did okay, but I kept second guessing my self--which almost always leads to my ruin. I really don't like Trig and that's the real problem here. AHHGG! When am I ever going to use trig to diagnose patients or stich wounds? "Well I think I will use and angle of Sin1/2 for this insition." I know the reasons why we are subjected to this torture, I just am mad about math right now.